The Surface Pro 3 is the best Windows 8 machine you can buy. But don’t take that as a compliment.

When I was in the Boy Scouts in elementary school, I won first place in the “turtle race” at the Pinewood Derby. The slowest car. The best of the worst. I got a trophy and everything.

That’s what it feels like calling the Surface Pro 3 the best Windows 8 machine. It’s a sad award for being at the top of the lowest class. It’s not the hardware that’s the problem, but Windows 8.